Dining in Cincinnati: Five Restaurants That JD Vance Might (or Definitely Won't) Visit

In these volatile times of hyperpartisanship, high stress, and collective angst for our futures, it's a great idea to escape reality --if only for a moment-- to ground oneself and feel some sense of normalcy.

Few moments allow us to find that inner peace quite like the times in which we can sit down with loved ones to a great meal. And when you seek out an area restaurant to help soothe your soul, the last thing you want is a reminder of the hellscape you're trying to forget.

With that in mind, below are four places in the Cincinnati area you might want to avoid over the next four years, particularly if their perimeter is cordoned off by Secret Service agents.

We've also provided you one restaurant below you can rest assured will NEVER be visited by a certain Cincinnatian who has been known to periodically return to the area after his weeks in Washington D.C.

Cafe Mochiko

1524 Madison Rd.
Cincinnati, OH 45206
Website

Forget about getting any of their heralded milk bread. If You-Know-Who is visiting, rest-assured your chances of acquiring some are as unlikely as stealing real butter off the High Chancellor's supply train. Any benign, unsolicited interactions you may inadvertently have with You-Know-Who would most assuredly be fictionalized, marginalized, and exaggerated in one of his subsequent Tweets, and you'll spend the rest of your waking hours trying to defend yourself for actions that never happened.

Even without him sullying the grounds of this venerable East Walnut Hills restaurant, your chances of getting a seat in this tiny, nearly-always crowded establishment is highly unlikely.

A server at Cafe Mochiko, who declined to be named, confirmed that Vance and his family "pop in occasionally." "It freaked everybody out, and everybody that was in here left, so that wasn't great," the server said.

The BonBonerie

2030 Madison Rd.
Cincinnati, OH 45208
513-321-3399
Website

It's an early Saturday morning and your body is screaming for a coffee and BonBonerie's wonderful pastries. When you arrive, perusing the seasonal Irish soda bread as well as their enticing trays of whoopie pies, pecan triangles and French macarons (to say nothing of their fresh lemon cookies and tea cookies), you realize you might be waiting a while because a certain future political fugitive is holding up the line. He seems to be confused about how exactly to order from a counter.

"Uhhh. Some sprinkles stuff?" the infamous East Walnut Hills resident asks nervously.

"How about 'Martha's Fanciful Cookie Box,' sir?" the woman behind the counter patiently offers.

"Uh, just whatever makes sense," he stammers, absently fiddling with the spare eyeliner that can neither be confirmed nor denied to rest in his pocket.

Skyline

4341 Roosevelt Blvd
Middletown, OH 45044
Website

Few things in Cincinnati are as uniquely comforting and satisfying for everyone involved as a good 'ole fashioned three-way: spaghetti, topped with molten chili, topped with mounds upon mounds of shredded cheddar cheese. Wash it all down with a couple cheese coneys, and suddenly the world feels right as rain.

But if you're anywhere near a Skyline in Middletown or East Walnut Hills, you might want to think twice. Any conspicuous caravans of six or seven black SUVs rolling into the parking lot are a not-so-subtle signal that a certain political celebrity wants to make Cincinnati Chili Great Again, at your expense (literally).

And if you're still brave enough to enter the halls of Cincinnati's most prolific chili parlor, know that it's in your best interest to avoid any conversation about how your last bout of mental escapism came in the form of an entire pint of Graeter's Skyline chili-flavored ice cream.

You-Know-Who will never let you live that down.

Sotto

118 E. Sixth St.
Cincinnati, OH 45202
Website

Typically booked up with reservations extending the next three months, your chances of escaping reality are historically slim-to-none here. But thanks to the tariff and layoff-infused recession, you'll likely have a better shot at dipping into your dwindling savings for this dinner experience. Alas, our local D.C. connection doesn't deal with pesky things like reservations when it comes to celebrating his 40th birthday here. But you say you had booked your seats two months in advance? Tough ricotta donut! You'll have to hit up Scotti's instead (which is really where you should have made your reservation in the first place).

Sudova

22 W Court St.
Cincinnati, OH 45202
Website

And, finally, here's ONE restaurant we can almost guarantee will NEVER see the current Vice President step through its doors: Sudova.

Sudova features an array of traditional and inventive Eastern European dishes inspired by the owner's Ukrainian, Polish, and Croatian roots.

The restaurant "holds all the cards," dolling out countless "thank you's" to the diner like a warm, ever-grateful, Ukrainian hug. Their Halushki side dish is a must-try: a tantalizing, comforting plate of caramelized cabbage and onion with brown butter and housemade spaetzle.

Several of the menu items were brought over from the owner's former Wodka Bar, including the Rey Varenyky potato dumplings, dill sour cream and sauerkraut, and their golden beet and buckwheat salad with fennel, local greens and roasted caraway vinegrette.

At their former Wodka Bar, the owners featured a cocktail literally called the "F**k Putin:" Sobieski wodka, coffee infused wodka, carolans irish cream. Sadly, it's not on Sudova's menu currently. But you can probably ask for it...

The exotic flavors will most assuredly whisk you off to a faraway land, where its people share parallels of our own countrymen's fight for democracy and freedom. And if dodging motorcades and finding solace in the dumplings doesn't cure your ills, I don't know what can.